To be honest, I thought that this year’s crop of cracker jokes were quite poor. I don’t mean that the puns were terrible (that’s what they are supposed to be, after all) but several “jokes” seemed to have been machine generated by a mindless contraption: Not AI (Artificial Intelligence) but AS you might call it (Artificial Stupidity).
These are some of the least worst plus a few from “Cracker Jokes” collected by Amanda Li
Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a hose?
A. A jumbo jet.
Q. Who hid in the bakery at Christmas?
A. A mince spy.
Q. What sort of sentence would you get if you broke the law of gravity?
A. A suspended one.
Q. Why did the bloke get fired from the orange juice factory?
A. Because he couldn’t concentrate.
Q. What has 22 legs and 2 wings but cannot fly?
A. A soccer team.
Q. What jumps from cake to cake and smells of almonds?
Q. What is read and white and goes up and down and up and down?
A. Santa Claus stuck in a lift.
Q. What do you call lobsters who won’t share their toys?
Q. What shouldn’t you eat before breakfast on Christmas Day?
A. Christmas lunch.
Happy New Year
“A study has shown that if your parents did not have any children it is unlikely that you will too.”
“If at first you don’t succeed skip the sky-diving”
“Parachute free to a good home – no strings attached”
“Ask me about my vow of silence”
“I am in shape. Round is a shape.”
None of these are original and I am not sure where they came from.
… but the parents always come out with the same baby!
I make no claim for their quality. These jokes rely on puns and work better if read out-loud to an (appreciative?!) audience. Here are a selection of jokes found in various Christmas crackers mostly supplied by helpful members of our congregations:
What is bad-tempered and goes with custard?
What’s brown and sneaks round the kitchen?
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Why did the little girl change her mind about buying a packet of handkerchiefs for her grandmother for Christmas?
The girl said she didn’t know what size her nose was.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
What is at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
You can see right through them.
Why did the strawberry get a lawyer?
Because is was in a jam.
What kind of suits do they wear in court?
Why was Cinderella no good at football?
Because her coach was a pumpkin.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken.
What carol do they sing in the desert?
O camel all ye faithful.
What do you call a cat in the desert?
What did one eye say to the other?
“Between you and me something smells.”
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
You get either:
peanut butter that never forgets
an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Well, we thought it was funny…
Because he’s only got little legs.
Welcome to the latest selection of Christmas cracker jokes…
Q. What kind of athlete is warmest in winter?
A. A long jumper.
Q. What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child caught holding a pin?
A. You’ve let me down, you’ve let the school down but most of all you’ve let yourself down.
Q. What do you get if you put a sheep in a sauna?
A. A woolly sweater.
Q. What goes up and wobbles?
A. A jellycopter.
Q. Why are fish easy to weigh?
A. Because they have their own scales.
A banana with a loose connection.
If you thought that was funny try this one:
Q. How do dinosaurs dive into a swimming pool?
A. Head first.
The joke book is now in the pile for taking to the second-hand shop.
Through its conductor!
We made that joke up so it is original although I doubt if it is unique. Below are some of this year’s crop of Christmas cracker jokes…
Q. Why did the gardener put his broom into the washing machine?
A. Because he wanted a clean sweep.
Q. Which are the cleverest sweets?
Q. Why did the jockey take his saddle to bed?
A. In case he had nightmares.
Q. What kind of sandals do frogs wear?
A. Open-toad sandals.
Q. How do you get down from an elephant?
A. You don’t, you get it from a duck.
Q. A barrel of beer fell on a man’s head but he wasn’t hurt. Why?
A. Because it was light ale.