Tag Archive: Christmas crackers

A few cracker jokes

To be honest, I thought that this year’s crop of cracker jokes were quite poor. I don’t mean that the puns were terrible (that’s what they are supposed to be, after all) but several “jokes” seemed to have been machine generated by a mindless contraption: Not AI (Artificial Intelligence) but AS you might call it (Artificial Stupidity).

These are some of the least worst plus a few from “Cracker Jokes” collected by Amanda Li

Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a hose?
A. A jumbo jet.

Q. Who hid in the bakery at Christmas?
A. A mince spy.

Q. What sort of sentence would you get if you broke the law of gravity?
A. A suspended one.

Q. Why did the bloke get fired from the orange juice factory?
A. Because he couldn’t concentrate.

Q. What has 22 legs and 2 wings but cannot fly?
A. A soccer team.

Q. What jumps from cake to cake and smells of almonds?
A. Tarzipan.

Q. What is read and white and goes up and down and up and down?
A. Santa Claus stuck in a lift.

Q. What do you call lobsters who won’t share their toys?
A. Shellfish.

Q. What shouldn’t you eat before breakfast on Christmas Day?
A. Christmas lunch.

Happy New Year


I make no claim for their quality. These jokes rely on puns and work better if read out-loud to an (appreciative?!) audience. Here are a selection of jokes found in various Christmas crackers mostly supplied by helpful members of our congregations:

What is bad-tempered and goes with custard?
Apple grumble.
What’s brown and sneaks round the kitchen?
Mince spies.
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Why did the little girl change her mind about buying a packet of handkerchiefs for her grandmother for Christmas?
The girl said she didn’t know what size her nose was.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
What is at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
You can see right through them.
Why did the strawberry get a lawyer?
Because is was in a jam.
What kind of suits do they wear in court?
Why was Cinderella no good at football?
Because her coach was a pumpkin.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken.
What carol do they sing in the desert?
O camel all ye faithful.
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy claws.
What did one eye say to the other?
“Between you and me something smells.”
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open-toad sandals.

What is ET short for?

Because he’s only got little legs.

Welcome to the latest selection of Christmas cracker jokes…

Q. What kind of athlete is warmest in winter?
A. A long jumper.
Q. What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child caught holding a pin?
A. You’ve let me down, you’ve let the school  down but most of all you’ve let yourself down.
Q. What do you get if you put a sheep in a sauna?
A. A woolly sweater.
Q. What goes up and wobbles?
A. A jellycopter.
Q. Why are fish easy to weigh?
A. Because they have their own scales.

How do you get electricity into an orchestra?

Through its conductor!

We made that joke up so it is original although I doubt if it is unique. Below are some of this year’s crop of Christmas cracker jokes…

Q. Why did the gardener put his broom into the washing machine?

A. Because he wanted a clean sweep.

Q. Which are the cleverest sweets?

A. Smarties.

Q. Why did the jockey take his saddle to bed?

A. In case he had nightmares.

Q. What kind of sandals do frogs wear?

A. Open-toad sandals.

Q. How do you get down from an elephant?

A. You don’t, you get it from a duck.

Q. A barrel of beer fell on a man’s head but he wasn’t hurt. Why?

A. Because it was light ale.

What do you call a snowman in Summer?

A puddle.

We had the traditional Christmas crackers over our Christmas meals and, along with the modest trinket and ill-fitting hat, everyone had a joke. Naturally these two-liner jokes were of the sort that made you groan rather than laugh. Then again, they’re not designed for their humour as much as for the general feeling of superiority that everyone shares when we all agree how bad the joke was.

Some years ago I was told that my talks benefitted from some humour. There were times when it came naturally but often I needed to come up with a joke suitable for the occasion. Now, I find it fairly easy to make people laugh just by being myself (which can be depressing at times when you’re actually trying to be serious and everyone bursts out laughing). However, actually writing a joke is no easy matter so what I started to do was to collect Christmas cracker jokes. Now, the jokes are not very funny so sometimes what makes people laugh is not the cleverness of the joke but my futile attempt at cracking a joke. In other words I might get the sympathy vote. I’m bound to say that it didn’t always work but, despite the odds, I’ve collected up those little slips of paper at Christmas ever since.

So, in the interest of sharing that sense of communal laughter/suffering which all may enjoy, I’m offering the latest crop of Christmas cracker jokes (from various sources) below.

Q. What do you call a sick crocodile?

A. An illigator!

Q. What did the big angel say to the little angel?

A. Halo there!

Q. Why do birds fly south in the winter?

A. Because it’s too far to walk.

Q. What kind of jokes does a chiropodist like?

A. Corny jokes!

Q. What do you call a dog with a bunch of daisies on its head?

A. A collie-flower!

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A. A stick!

Q. Where can you buy British Rail bubble gum?

A. On a chew-chew train!

Q. Where do sick gnomes go?

A. To the ‘Elf centre!

Q. What do you call someone who makes clothes for rabbits?

A. A Hare Dresser!

Q. How do you make a jacket last?

A. Make the trousers first!

Q. How do you make an apple puff?

A. Chase it round the garden!

%d bloggers like this: