A puddle.

We had the traditional Christmas crackers over our Christmas meals and, along with the modest trinket and ill-fitting hat, everyone had a joke. Naturally these two-liner jokes were of the sort that made you groan rather than laugh. Then again, they’re not designed for their humour as much as for the general feeling of superiority that everyone shares when we all agree how bad the joke was.

Some years ago I was told that my talks benefitted from some humour. There were times when it came naturally but often I needed to come up with a joke suitable for the occasion. Now, I find it fairly easy to make people laugh just by being myself (which can be depressing at times when you’re actually trying to be serious and everyone bursts out laughing). However, actually writing a joke is no easy matter so what I started to do was to collect Christmas cracker jokes. Now, the jokes are not very funny so sometimes what makes people laugh is not the cleverness of the joke but my futile attempt at cracking a joke. In other words I might get the sympathy vote. I’m bound to say that it didn’t always work but, despite the odds, I’ve collected up those little slips of paper at Christmas ever since.

So, in the interest of sharing that sense of communal laughter/suffering which all may enjoy, I’m offering the latest crop of Christmas cracker jokes (from various sources) below.

Q. What do you call a sick crocodile?

A. An illigator!

Q. What did the big angel say to the little angel?

A. Halo there!

Q. Why do birds fly south in the winter?

A. Because it’s too far to walk.

Q. What kind of jokes does a chiropodist like?

A. Corny jokes!

Q. What do you call a dog with a bunch of daisies on its head?

A. A collie-flower!

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A. A stick!

Q. Where can you buy British Rail bubble gum?

A. On a chew-chew train!

Q. Where do sick gnomes go?

A. To the ‘Elf centre!

Q. What do you call someone who makes clothes for rabbits?

A. A Hare Dresser!

Q. How do you make a jacket last?

A. Make the trousers first!

Q. How do you make an apple puff?

A. Chase it round the garden!